...a little personal.

Last Week: One moments thought process.
Despair, loneliness, longing, smothered, frustrated, anxious, confused, pathetic, lazy, eager, unsure.
I miss a love and it makes me feel lonely. I have options, it makes me feel smothered. I want to discover the right choice, I feel frustrated. I'm anxious to choose that path, I feel confused as to what that path is. I have the desire to find out, I feel pathetically lazy. I'm eager to know, I feel unsure.

This Weekend: Why do people get cranky and irritable? And why isn't there a pill to correct this feeling when you get it? If there is, why hasn't anyone told me about this and where can I get some?? Now I know that probably sounds like signs of depression or maybe even a pill popper, but k I'm not. It's just that I'm convinced that people go out of their way to irritate you! But then again, I was told once that we are in control of our emotions. So does that mean I'm allowing myself to be irritated? I'm not sure if I believe that. Being irritable is probably near the top on my list as far as the worst experienced attitudes. And if it's really one of the worst attitudes I've ever experienced, would I really ALLOW myself to feel like that?

I was in an "argument" with someone last night. The whole time he was telling me I had an "attitude" and to calm down. I was surprised!! I thought I was calm, instead of getting mad back I was subtly laughing at the situation and how dumb it was that we were even having this argument. It was pointless and was based off of faulty information... so whyyyy were we arguing you ask? Not sure. I think some people like to fight... I'm not one of those people. Instead of fighting I'll give a quiet laugh and realize how pathetic the two parties involved are and then move on! Is this an example of controlling my emotions? If I can control my anger in an argument... why can't I control my irritableness? Ok I don't even know if thats a word but its my blog and so I'm using it. Speaking of made up words... "humblizes" should TOTALLY be a word. I made a fooool of myself when I said it in Relief Society once. People make up crap all the time, why can't I make up a few words? Sometimes it's what makes peoples worlds go round.

I can't find the right words to write directly about this... The other night I experienced something that I haven't felt in a long time. Prior to actually falling asleep though, I was wrapped in the most secure grasp of sincere comfort. I was laying there, at times with an awkward silence, but for the first time ever I realized the truthfulness of something I learned in a past class at byui. I was taught that it has been proven that if a baby is not held or shown any effection to for a month that it will die. This made sense to me at the time, I don't remember the details or anything like that, but the idea of it was understandable. I believed it without giving much thought to it. Although I'm not in the same circumstance as that, I believe I've caught a glimpse. I've always believed myself to be independant. Although I've always happened to have boyfriends, I still remained confident that I didn't NEED them and that I was my own person. I still believe that, but I also believe that you need an arm around you every now and then to just hold you. Not to protect you, not to give you security, not for warmth, but just out of the sake of having an arm around you and hold you close. No feelings were involved, but for those moments I felt a greater peace than I had in a long time.

Today: Tired, anxious, relaxed, wondering, comforted, answered.
Tired because I got 3 hours of sleep... The night was beautiful in preperation for the tomorrow.
Although I was tired I felt anxious to explore my options and make some decisions. However, not only was I anxious, I was also relaxed. Relaxed because I was so tired. Instead of being so tired that I wasn't able to feel the spirit, I was so tired that I could do nothing else but let my heart do the talking and listening.
My mind was once full of wonder, wondering what that path I should take, frustrated in the absense of an answer. Now, instead of being full of energy and thoughts running through my head... the pages were blank. I've poured them out, I was now looking for the answers. Although I do not have pages of answers recieved... I believe I have the one that matters for the tomorrow's.